Who Are We?Dadio McDuck
Head writer, Editor-in-Chief, the Main Cheese and Head of the Chief's Cheese Taken from wikipedia.org: Dadio Wellington McDuck™ was born to As*holio Marinara McDuck and an unknown woman somewhere between the late 19th century and the mid 20th century in Transylvania, Pennsylvania. Though his mother chose to remain unknown due to the shame McDuck brought upon her, many theories have been proposed as to the true identity of his mother with most historians favoring Georgia O'Keeffe. The date of his birth is a mystery because McDuck ingested his birth certificate shortly after being born later saying he destroyed the "evidence" because he "wanted to be able to get both senior citizen benefits as well as kids meal prices". He began peddling stray cats at the age of four, often times trading them with a Super Slam Breakfast at his local Denny's. After achieving moderate success, he was approached by an ambitious young man named Fidel Alejandro Castro Ruz who wanted Dadio to help him sell imitation grapefruits. Dadio declined but offered him advice about how to dictate orders to subordinates. In order to save money on postage, Dadio traveled to the Appalachian Mountains in order to employ Southern flying squirrels. It was there that he was exposed to the art of yodeling. His teacher, the great Adelheid "Gargle" Fabiola, recommended that Dadio begin speaking with a Persian accent in order to master the technique called "tahrir" which is similar to yodeling. Dadio has not been able to drop the accent. In fact, his accent has been cause for ridicule anywhere Dadio goes. It is for this reason that he underwent treatment for Foreign Accent Syndrome. There he met Hodgie "The Electric" Smodgie" and the rest is history. Hodgie Smodgie
World-class guitarist, whale whisperer, Tibetan monk Taken from wikipedia.org: Hodgie "the Electric" Smodgie was born Hodgiphilus Electrophilis Smodgophalaphroozenfrakensteinen. He began his music career as a roadie for Mick Jagger and played backup guitar for "Air Supply" in the 80s. Hodgie became heavily influenced by the mountain music of Swedish goatherds and spent three years living among them. An artistic disagreement about how to properly play the blockflöjt, as well as a few political actions he undertook in that regard, led to his being banished from that area and three other European countries. Hodgie then produced five major albums along with his friend and cowriter, Dadio McDuck, the "princess of polka." His guitar style mixed flamenco morals with Jimmy Buffet-style egoism. Disheartened with the worldliness of showbiz, Hodgie pursued a degree in Ecology Underwater Studies, and became Dr. Smodgie. He has made seven trips to save various aquatic animals with Greenpeace. In fact, it is said that he can speak to whales and knows when they are in trouble before even they know. In 1991, Hodgie married Ayame Narita, world champion female Sumo wrestler. They have since been married-divorced-and-remarried 21 times. In 1999, Hodgie was involved in a scandal, when his lifelong guru, Shambo, was arrested for manufacturing a controlled substance. Shambo had been running a cocaine factory using funds donated by his followers. Hodgie had contributed over 1.21 million dollars. "Maggie" Willeyard
Columnist, Chancellor of Stephen King studies at the University of Kentucky, Pall Mall Representative Taken from the National Enquirer: Margaret Odella Freeman Willeyard is an old woman with old values. She doesn't like "sneaky" Asians, nor female pilots. She likes iced tea, smoking and pushing children beyond their caloric capacity-- which is why she and a young Dadio McDuck were a perfect match. Buttaculari Bodabingbong
Taken from New Jersey Correctional Facilities 476: Buttaculari Uranus Bodabingbong was born to hard-working parents who specialized in repairing televisions for those who never knew their TVs had a problem or why those TVs suddenly disappeared. Raised on "the wrong side of the tracks," Buttaculari first worked in the circus pretending to be a lost Japanese man in need of train fare. Dadio discovered him, fed him, lost his life savings to him, and finally thought he disappeared. Dadio recently discovered that his local bank was actually Buttaculari's garage. So, he gave him a job writing for this website. Carl Shank
Professional sycophant, Amway salesman, piano middleman, honorary entertainment attorney Taken from Hustler magazine: Born on the streets of Mississippi, Shank grew up as his parents' favorite child, mostly because he complimented his mother's cooking so much. A little later, he noticed that he didn't need to study in school so long as he mentioned how lovely his teacher's dress looked or asked about her hair. It was then that he decided to start his own business-- selling third-graders rocks of coquina he found in his father's shoes after he would return from his work at the quarry. Soon after he latched on to Amway, breaking records in sales and involuntary assisted suicide. Trying to sell a batch of country sausage to a burgeoning tycoon, Shank stumbled upon the greatest target of his scams: one Dadio McDuck. Beckbot
Dork of the year (1992-2004, 2008-2011), Comeback Dork of the Year (2007), Most Improved Dork of the Year (1990), writer for dadiofootball.weebly.com. |
Why the Bengals?
Dadio? Bengals? A marriage made in Hell (or a free chapel). Dadio was voted "most overrated popstar of the late 70's." The Bengals? Why they haven't been important since the late 80's.
But then there are the matters of money, greed and leprechauns. You see, Andy Dalton's parents were old friends of Dadio's from Scotland, so, McDuck offered the young Andy a job picking up pennies off the floor for him. Soon enough, Dalton was finding gold coins. At first, Dadio dismissed it as coincidence. But he collected so many that Dadio had to start storing them in a giant bin! It was at that point that he realized that the Pro Bowl-QB-to-be was.... half-leprechaun! When he knew Dadio was on to him, Dalton asked to be released. They came to a deal where Dalton would keep 2% of all earnings in exchange for his freedom. Hodgie's Take: The Humphaloo told me to do it!So, maybe you're wondering why we need a site at all. Let me tell you, I once had the same question in my mind-noggin. The Humphaloo version of Christian Bale set me straight one day at the zoo. He said, "Gee-willikers Hodgie! You gotta do this for the children." And that's all I needed to hear.
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