Report: Dadio Attempts Purchase of Bengals; Brown Responds
(AP)- Sunday, September 30, 2012
It has been rumored that Dadio made an attempt to purchase the Bengals, but the team's front office was less than impressed with his offer of eight Kirkland brand chocolate covered almond clusters.
An unofficial representative of Bengals Team President Michael Brown released the following statement:
"While we are pleased to see any interest in the purchase of our franchise, we were less than impressed with Dr.* McDuck's purchase proposal. It was initially unclear whether this was a legitimate offer letter or simply a letter from an infant fan. The envelope was sealed with peanut butter and the letter was written in glitter glue. Once we cracked the code that is his penmanship, spelling and grammar, we were disappointed to see that Dr.* McDuck had determined our beloved franchise my father had built from nothing was worth a handful of sweets.
"We would like to respectfully and publicly turn down Dr.* McDuck's offer. While we understand this may be a blow to his very large but very fragile ego, we hope he agrees to continue supplying the rare possum liver that our dear mascot Who Dey enjoys so much, as Dr.* McDuck is the only certified possum harvester in the area.
"Many thanks to Dr.* McDuck, and we look forward to a strong season! Who dey?!"
Copyright © 2012 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
It has been rumored that Dadio made an attempt to purchase the Bengals, but the team's front office was less than impressed with his offer of eight Kirkland brand chocolate covered almond clusters.
An unofficial representative of Bengals Team President Michael Brown released the following statement:
"While we are pleased to see any interest in the purchase of our franchise, we were less than impressed with Dr.* McDuck's purchase proposal. It was initially unclear whether this was a legitimate offer letter or simply a letter from an infant fan. The envelope was sealed with peanut butter and the letter was written in glitter glue. Once we cracked the code that is his penmanship, spelling and grammar, we were disappointed to see that Dr.* McDuck had determined our beloved franchise my father had built from nothing was worth a handful of sweets.
"We would like to respectfully and publicly turn down Dr.* McDuck's offer. While we understand this may be a blow to his very large but very fragile ego, we hope he agrees to continue supplying the rare possum liver that our dear mascot Who Dey enjoys so much, as Dr.* McDuck is the only certified possum harvester in the area.
"Many thanks to Dr.* McDuck, and we look forward to a strong season! Who dey?!"
Copyright © 2012 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
De Battle Av De Oh, hi! oh. teimz
Sunday, September 30, 2012
By Dadio McDuck
Okei, so de bengalz, de vunt vin, de brownz vant vin... bat rrreeeeally.... vho veel vin?
To ansher dat qveshtioun, I ask-e de biiiig shot, no ader dan, Mr. Footballs heemself, Mr. Andy Cohen. Vai, hei, deir, Mr. Cohen!
Cohen: Yeah, hi, Dadio. So... I thought you just wanted me to comment on whose jersey is more attractive.
Dadio: Yei, vughteveir, just like, tell me vho vin.
Cohen: Well, now I'm going on jerseys alone, the Bengals should not only win this game, but every single game. And I'm not just talking about football. No, no. They should win at everything. I mean, orange and black. Sassy, yet, strong, you know? And those stripes. Oh, to die for!
Dadio: Bat, eh, de Brownz, de not too shabby, no? Deir defense, it like... stink not as much as deir offense.
Cohen: So long as they don't put any effort into the way they dress, I don't see them going anywhere. I mean, this isn't the 1940's. Maybe some sparkle or glitter... at least a mascot. (Dadio whispers to him). A dog? Well, a dog is cute to stroll around with, but I'm talking about something peppy, like, like... a tiger! Grrr!
Dadio: Deir you have it, de bengalz, dat right, de bengalz veel finally vin a game dis yeir.
By Dadio McDuck
Okei, so de bengalz, de vunt vin, de brownz vant vin... bat rrreeeeally.... vho veel vin?
To ansher dat qveshtioun, I ask-e de biiiig shot, no ader dan, Mr. Footballs heemself, Mr. Andy Cohen. Vai, hei, deir, Mr. Cohen!
Cohen: Yeah, hi, Dadio. So... I thought you just wanted me to comment on whose jersey is more attractive.
Dadio: Yei, vughteveir, just like, tell me vho vin.
Cohen: Well, now I'm going on jerseys alone, the Bengals should not only win this game, but every single game. And I'm not just talking about football. No, no. They should win at everything. I mean, orange and black. Sassy, yet, strong, you know? And those stripes. Oh, to die for!
Dadio: Bat, eh, de Brownz, de not too shabby, no? Deir defense, it like... stink not as much as deir offense.
Cohen: So long as they don't put any effort into the way they dress, I don't see them going anywhere. I mean, this isn't the 1940's. Maybe some sparkle or glitter... at least a mascot. (Dadio whispers to him). A dog? Well, a dog is cute to stroll around with, but I'm talking about something peppy, like, like... a tiger! Grrr!
Dadio: Deir you have it, de bengalz, dat right, de bengalz veel finally vin a game dis yeir.
Interview with a picketing Ref
September 20, 2012
By Buttaculari Bodabingbong and Beckbot
Buttacaluri and I are walking on Park Avenue, in Manhattan, close to NFL headquarters. I notice that Buttaculari grows increasingly enraged as we approach a group of picketing referees, chanting in unison for better pay and fairer labor practices.
“Can’t take it, Beckbot… can’t take it,” he says. His whole head twitches, like a crazy man.
This is not the first time Buttaculari and I have fallen into trouble while walking together. Many things, harmless to us, bring out the violent side of Buttaculari, including clowns, midgets, facial piercings, children who sound smart, and Cooper Mini owners.
But I could have never expected what would happen next.
Bam! A referee lay on the ground, blood oozing from the side of his face. Yes, he has received the infamous “Buttaculari donkey punch.” Ouch.
“Ten yards. Foul,” the referee says, perhaps in delirium.
That only gets Buttaculari angrier. His mouth froths with rage as he sits on the referee’s chest slapping him silly.
“Strike? Why I otta!” Buttaculari says.
“What’s wrong boss?” I say. (Buttaculari has two rules for walking with him. One, no headphones or mobile devices. Two, call him “boss.”)
“The spread. How can I cover the spread in Reno with you lazy bums ova’ here!” Buttaculari says. “Beppe the Parrot’s gonna eat me!”
“Neutral zone infraction. Ten yards.” The ref’s really in bad shape. “Unsportsmanlike conduct.”
Uh-oh. There’s little hope for the referee at this point. The other referees are watching, nervously, whispering to one another.
And here I am in an awkward position. I had told Buttaculari that this was NFL headquarters. It’s really just a Foot Locker store. Poor guy.
By Buttaculari Bodabingbong and Beckbot
Buttacaluri and I are walking on Park Avenue, in Manhattan, close to NFL headquarters. I notice that Buttaculari grows increasingly enraged as we approach a group of picketing referees, chanting in unison for better pay and fairer labor practices.
“Can’t take it, Beckbot… can’t take it,” he says. His whole head twitches, like a crazy man.
This is not the first time Buttaculari and I have fallen into trouble while walking together. Many things, harmless to us, bring out the violent side of Buttaculari, including clowns, midgets, facial piercings, children who sound smart, and Cooper Mini owners.
But I could have never expected what would happen next.
Bam! A referee lay on the ground, blood oozing from the side of his face. Yes, he has received the infamous “Buttaculari donkey punch.” Ouch.
“Ten yards. Foul,” the referee says, perhaps in delirium.
That only gets Buttaculari angrier. His mouth froths with rage as he sits on the referee’s chest slapping him silly.
“Strike? Why I otta!” Buttaculari says.
“What’s wrong boss?” I say. (Buttaculari has two rules for walking with him. One, no headphones or mobile devices. Two, call him “boss.”)
“The spread. How can I cover the spread in Reno with you lazy bums ova’ here!” Buttaculari says. “Beppe the Parrot’s gonna eat me!”
“Neutral zone infraction. Ten yards.” The ref’s really in bad shape. “Unsportsmanlike conduct.”
Uh-oh. There’s little hope for the referee at this point. The other referees are watching, nervously, whispering to one another.
And here I am in an awkward position. I had told Buttaculari that this was NFL headquarters. It’s really just a Foot Locker store. Poor guy.
Hollywood Rumor Mill: Dadio will play Lex Luther in the New Superman Series
September 18, 2012
By Beckbot
An anonymous source at Warner Brothers has reported seeing a trailer filled with melted cheese at recent "Man of Steel" shootings. As honorary entertainment attorney Tom Shank comments, "In Hollywood, we pretty much know what to expect when a trailer overflows with melted cheese. A Dadio cameo at least, if not a supporting role."
Of course, Dadio has been known to camp out on Hollywood sets for a variety reasons. During "Iron Man" filming, Dadio spent three weeks harassing the cast and crew while claiming to provide moral support for actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow, whom Dadio refers to as "Strawberry Shortcake," was famously caught trying to flee from Paramount Pictures studios in a makeshift "Iron Man" costume pleading to bystanders for help. Dadio was, of course, forced to take a leave of absence as the Oompa-Loompa version of Lex Luther for the 1981 rendition of "Superman and the Chocolate Factory on Ice," due to a gastrointestinal emergency (also known as the "Bean and Tomato Incident of 1981, On Ice").
By Beckbot
An anonymous source at Warner Brothers has reported seeing a trailer filled with melted cheese at recent "Man of Steel" shootings. As honorary entertainment attorney Tom Shank comments, "In Hollywood, we pretty much know what to expect when a trailer overflows with melted cheese. A Dadio cameo at least, if not a supporting role."
Of course, Dadio has been known to camp out on Hollywood sets for a variety reasons. During "Iron Man" filming, Dadio spent three weeks harassing the cast and crew while claiming to provide moral support for actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow, whom Dadio refers to as "Strawberry Shortcake," was famously caught trying to flee from Paramount Pictures studios in a makeshift "Iron Man" costume pleading to bystanders for help. Dadio was, of course, forced to take a leave of absence as the Oompa-Loompa version of Lex Luther for the 1981 rendition of "Superman and the Chocolate Factory on Ice," due to a gastrointestinal emergency (also known as the "Bean and Tomato Incident of 1981, On Ice").