First Order of Business: When to Wake Dadio
By Hodgie E. Smodgie
Those of us who’ve worked with Dadio in the studio know that he sleeps deeply. In fact, Dadio is either sleeping, oversleeping, or in the potentially dangerous "hibernation mode". When he goes into HM (as we call it around here), Dadio is usually out for 28 hours and needs some light medical attention, as per all of our job contracts written by Goldie M. Smythe, Dadio’s very slick lawyer. If you don’t call in the masseurs and music therapists in time, Dadio will often fire and then sue you, once he comes to. So, since you’re new to the site and to the job, here are five ways to know it's just sleep and that you shouldn't bother the head cheese:
1. If Dadio is snoring, he's usually not in HM. Dadio tends to snore most loudly when he sleeps most lightly—which is why he often snores while he’s awake. So, if he’s snoring, you can rest comfortably.
2. Pay close attention to this one. When Dadio sleeps, he breathes in through his mouth, and then there is a slight wheezing from his butt. He calls this, “Gooood, gooood, goood, good flatulaaatiooons.” In through the mouth. Out through the butt. If it’s ever the reverse, things are going wrong.
3. It’s normal for Dadio to talk in his sleep—in Filipino. If he is speaking fluent English, especially in a Welsh accent, call for medical attention immediately.
4. The “feather test.” Put a feather on Dadio’s mouth (or his butt—use your own judgment). Note how high it flies when he exhales. If it’s a few feet, or even a few yards, he’s fine. If it’s flying low, dial 9-1-1.
5. Try wringing out Dadio’s sheet or his pillow. If a lot of water comes out, then he’s sleeping great. If it’s a little oil, or even a lot of oil, that’s okay too. But if everything is completely dry, then run, run, run, and make sure to buy some incense and scented oils (as per Article 45 of all of our job contracts).
6. FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY: Sometimes you simply cannot tell and yet you need to know. In such cases, push gently on Dadio’s belly. This can be disastrous, so be careful. We had an intern try this method. She’s been missing now for thirteen years, probably buried beneath the sludge that enveloped our first studio. Now, ever-so-carefully push the belly. Ask Dadio why he eats so much. If he says, “True love,” or even something that rhymes with that (such as “to blathe”), all is well. If however, he rips off his fake eyebrows and begins to wriggle his brows and forehead around, run away—or actually, flee to Mexico. Things are not going to end well for you my dear.
I hope that helps.
And welcome to the DadioFootball crew, the Greatest Place to Work on Earth!
Those of us who’ve worked with Dadio in the studio know that he sleeps deeply. In fact, Dadio is either sleeping, oversleeping, or in the potentially dangerous "hibernation mode". When he goes into HM (as we call it around here), Dadio is usually out for 28 hours and needs some light medical attention, as per all of our job contracts written by Goldie M. Smythe, Dadio’s very slick lawyer. If you don’t call in the masseurs and music therapists in time, Dadio will often fire and then sue you, once he comes to. So, since you’re new to the site and to the job, here are five ways to know it's just sleep and that you shouldn't bother the head cheese:
1. If Dadio is snoring, he's usually not in HM. Dadio tends to snore most loudly when he sleeps most lightly—which is why he often snores while he’s awake. So, if he’s snoring, you can rest comfortably.
2. Pay close attention to this one. When Dadio sleeps, he breathes in through his mouth, and then there is a slight wheezing from his butt. He calls this, “Gooood, gooood, goood, good flatulaaatiooons.” In through the mouth. Out through the butt. If it’s ever the reverse, things are going wrong.
3. It’s normal for Dadio to talk in his sleep—in Filipino. If he is speaking fluent English, especially in a Welsh accent, call for medical attention immediately.
4. The “feather test.” Put a feather on Dadio’s mouth (or his butt—use your own judgment). Note how high it flies when he exhales. If it’s a few feet, or even a few yards, he’s fine. If it’s flying low, dial 9-1-1.
5. Try wringing out Dadio’s sheet or his pillow. If a lot of water comes out, then he’s sleeping great. If it’s a little oil, or even a lot of oil, that’s okay too. But if everything is completely dry, then run, run, run, and make sure to buy some incense and scented oils (as per Article 45 of all of our job contracts).
6. FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY: Sometimes you simply cannot tell and yet you need to know. In such cases, push gently on Dadio’s belly. This can be disastrous, so be careful. We had an intern try this method. She’s been missing now for thirteen years, probably buried beneath the sludge that enveloped our first studio. Now, ever-so-carefully push the belly. Ask Dadio why he eats so much. If he says, “True love,” or even something that rhymes with that (such as “to blathe”), all is well. If however, he rips off his fake eyebrows and begins to wriggle his brows and forehead around, run away—or actually, flee to Mexico. Things are not going to end well for you my dear.
I hope that helps.
And welcome to the DadioFootball crew, the Greatest Place to Work on Earth!