Judd Nelson Cast as Hodgie in Live-Action “D/H Turbo,” Hodgie Enraged
By Beckbot
Rumors have been swirling for months about the latest reboot of the “Dadio and Hodgie” movie series. Photos leaked from a Warner Bros. studio stage confirm that Judd Nelson, 57, will be playing the part of Hodgie the Electric Smodgie. This is despite the fact that Dadio McDuck will be played by McDuck himself.
“Hodgie is a very complex character, and I can’t think of anyone better than Judd for this role,” Dadio commented at a recent promotion for his new line of designer socks. “He really gets into the spirit of stuff and like he’s even willing to eat fruit,” Dadio continued.
In fact, Nelson, a method actor, was spotted at two raw food cafés in Los Angeles frequented by Smodgie. Smodgie, a self-proclaimed “strict fruitarian,” has been known to cheat on his diet and lash out at reporters who see him doing so, including yours truly. Nelson would almost definitely need to gain weight for the role.
“Dadio is a snake. Everybody knows he’s a snake and a #perv,” Smodgie tweeted on Monday. Smodgie has been outspoken about his disapproval of the direction of the “Dadio and Hodgie” series, recently taken over by Justin Lin, known for his work on the Fast and the Furious series, as well as Star Trek Beyond.
The latest installment of “Dadio and Hodgie,” titled simply D/H Turbo has remained under a smokescreen of secrecy. That has not, however, kept Smodgie from commenting. “The only reason they want a guy from the 80s to play me is that Dadio is a cheap, money-hungry SOB,” Smodgie said. “I’ve been whitewashed by a freaking wash-up.”
Others have had a more positive perspective. “This is likely to be a cinematic feat on a par with When Harry Met Sally and Ben-Hur,” said Carl Shank, special counsel to McDuck. “There are rumors of an Academy Award for Dadio’s work in this movie, but I’m afraid I cannot confirm anything yet,” he said.
Rumors have been swirling for months about the latest reboot of the “Dadio and Hodgie” movie series. Photos leaked from a Warner Bros. studio stage confirm that Judd Nelson, 57, will be playing the part of Hodgie the Electric Smodgie. This is despite the fact that Dadio McDuck will be played by McDuck himself.
“Hodgie is a very complex character, and I can’t think of anyone better than Judd for this role,” Dadio commented at a recent promotion for his new line of designer socks. “He really gets into the spirit of stuff and like he’s even willing to eat fruit,” Dadio continued.
In fact, Nelson, a method actor, was spotted at two raw food cafés in Los Angeles frequented by Smodgie. Smodgie, a self-proclaimed “strict fruitarian,” has been known to cheat on his diet and lash out at reporters who see him doing so, including yours truly. Nelson would almost definitely need to gain weight for the role.
“Dadio is a snake. Everybody knows he’s a snake and a #perv,” Smodgie tweeted on Monday. Smodgie has been outspoken about his disapproval of the direction of the “Dadio and Hodgie” series, recently taken over by Justin Lin, known for his work on the Fast and the Furious series, as well as Star Trek Beyond.
The latest installment of “Dadio and Hodgie,” titled simply D/H Turbo has remained under a smokescreen of secrecy. That has not, however, kept Smodgie from commenting. “The only reason they want a guy from the 80s to play me is that Dadio is a cheap, money-hungry SOB,” Smodgie said. “I’ve been whitewashed by a freaking wash-up.”
Others have had a more positive perspective. “This is likely to be a cinematic feat on a par with When Harry Met Sally and Ben-Hur,” said Carl Shank, special counsel to McDuck. “There are rumors of an Academy Award for Dadio’s work in this movie, but I’m afraid I cannot confirm anything yet,” he said.
Office Staff Confused: Are Dadio and Hodgie Returning or Not?
By Beckbot
We've heard the rumors on Reddit. We've noticed the complaints on Youtube. We've even seen it written on a bathroom stall at the Waldo Branch of the Kansas City Public Library. Everyone's saying the same thing: We want Dadio and Hodgie back on the Dalton Dispatch.™
Recent signs have pointed to a return. Dadio McDuck was spotted at Costco buying a 40-lbs bag of nachos, which he customarily eats to quell his nerves on the show. A recent TMZ photo shows what appears to be Hodgie Smodgie in a hoodie leaving the "Golden Nail Salon" in Santa Monica. We all remember when a show was canceled in 2014 after Dr. Smodgie threw a tantrum that he was not given enough time for a manicure before the show.
The problem, of course, is that the normally outspoken Hodgie has been reticent when it comes to the prospects of a return. Meanwhile, Dadio's habit of wearing a different disguise every day has led to much confusion about his whereabouts, let alone his intentions.
So, where does this leave us, the loyal team of Dadiofootball.com? Honestly, most of us have not been paid in over seven months. The staff refrigerator has only one moldy piece of tofu, and the electricity and wifi have been turned off due to past-due bills. Carl Shank, a lawyer and convicted con-artist who took over the show in late September, has threatened a lawsuit if we utter the names of Dadio and Hodgie anywhere outside the office. And Anthony Pacelli, Shank's co-host, constantly comes in demanding we get him a Pumpkin Spice Latte "pronto," even though, frankly, that's not our job.
Dadio. Hodgie. If you can hear this, please respond. Come back. I fear that if you don't, the Dadiofootball legacy might end forever.
We've heard the rumors on Reddit. We've noticed the complaints on Youtube. We've even seen it written on a bathroom stall at the Waldo Branch of the Kansas City Public Library. Everyone's saying the same thing: We want Dadio and Hodgie back on the Dalton Dispatch.™
Recent signs have pointed to a return. Dadio McDuck was spotted at Costco buying a 40-lbs bag of nachos, which he customarily eats to quell his nerves on the show. A recent TMZ photo shows what appears to be Hodgie Smodgie in a hoodie leaving the "Golden Nail Salon" in Santa Monica. We all remember when a show was canceled in 2014 after Dr. Smodgie threw a tantrum that he was not given enough time for a manicure before the show.
The problem, of course, is that the normally outspoken Hodgie has been reticent when it comes to the prospects of a return. Meanwhile, Dadio's habit of wearing a different disguise every day has led to much confusion about his whereabouts, let alone his intentions.
So, where does this leave us, the loyal team of Dadiofootball.com? Honestly, most of us have not been paid in over seven months. The staff refrigerator has only one moldy piece of tofu, and the electricity and wifi have been turned off due to past-due bills. Carl Shank, a lawyer and convicted con-artist who took over the show in late September, has threatened a lawsuit if we utter the names of Dadio and Hodgie anywhere outside the office. And Anthony Pacelli, Shank's co-host, constantly comes in demanding we get him a Pumpkin Spice Latte "pronto," even though, frankly, that's not our job.
Dadio. Hodgie. If you can hear this, please respond. Come back. I fear that if you don't, the Dadiofootball legacy might end forever.
Old Story Worth Re-Reading of the Week: Bengals, Domata Peko Talk Extension
Having locked up star linebacker Rey Maualuga to a three year/$15 million deal, the Bengals now focus on their second most valuable player, defensive tackle Domata Peko, whose contract is set to expire after the 2016 season.
"We just can't afford to lose him," Mike Brown said. "He is the ultimate Bengal."
The notoriously frugal Brown is said to be willing to break the bank for Peko.
"How much did Suh get? We'll top that. That's how much we need him," Brown said in reference to Ndamukong Suh, who signed a six year/$114 million deal with the Miami Dolphins this month.
This is despite the fact that Peko was the second-lowest rated Bengal in 2014 according to Pro Football Focus (-5.4), below even rookie center Russell Bodine (-4.9). And this announcement comes after giving Maualuga about twice as much as any other team was willing to offer despite being one of PFF's lowest rated linebackers over the last four years.
Last year was considered a bounce back year for Mauluga. In 2014, against the pass Maualuga secured a cover snap/reception ratio of 7.2 in the NFL, which was the second worst among among the 57 qualified linebackers. Of course, Maualuga is known as a run stopper. Against the run, he had a tackle efficiency average of 5.9, which ranked 65 among 70 qualified inside linebackers.
In a related story, Maualuga is said to have rammed his head into his bedroom wall in celebration upon receiving word of his deal. He then reportedly smiled and smacked himself on the forehead. Maualuga sustained a neck injury and may be placed on the PUP list to start the season.
When asked to explain his logic in overpaying underachieving players when Pro Bowl receiver A.J. Green is set to be a free agent next offseason, Brown said, "Some people get what it takes to be a Bengal. It's as simple as that. Andy Dalton gets it. Peko gets it. Maualuga gets it. A.J., I'm not so sure."
Brown is also said to be working on making November 27, Peko's birthday, an official holiday in Cincinnati.
Having locked up star linebacker Rey Maualuga to a three year/$15 million deal, the Bengals now focus on their second most valuable player, defensive tackle Domata Peko, whose contract is set to expire after the 2016 season.
"We just can't afford to lose him," Mike Brown said. "He is the ultimate Bengal."
The notoriously frugal Brown is said to be willing to break the bank for Peko.
"How much did Suh get? We'll top that. That's how much we need him," Brown said in reference to Ndamukong Suh, who signed a six year/$114 million deal with the Miami Dolphins this month.
This is despite the fact that Peko was the second-lowest rated Bengal in 2014 according to Pro Football Focus (-5.4), below even rookie center Russell Bodine (-4.9). And this announcement comes after giving Maualuga about twice as much as any other team was willing to offer despite being one of PFF's lowest rated linebackers over the last four years.
Last year was considered a bounce back year for Mauluga. In 2014, against the pass Maualuga secured a cover snap/reception ratio of 7.2 in the NFL, which was the second worst among among the 57 qualified linebackers. Of course, Maualuga is known as a run stopper. Against the run, he had a tackle efficiency average of 5.9, which ranked 65 among 70 qualified inside linebackers.
In a related story, Maualuga is said to have rammed his head into his bedroom wall in celebration upon receiving word of his deal. He then reportedly smiled and smacked himself on the forehead. Maualuga sustained a neck injury and may be placed on the PUP list to start the season.
When asked to explain his logic in overpaying underachieving players when Pro Bowl receiver A.J. Green is set to be a free agent next offseason, Brown said, "Some people get what it takes to be a Bengal. It's as simple as that. Andy Dalton gets it. Peko gets it. Maualuga gets it. A.J., I'm not so sure."
Brown is also said to be working on making November 27, Peko's birthday, an official holiday in Cincinnati.
Dadio's Copyeditor Droven to Life of Crime
By Beckbot
When Dadio McDuck first hired Michael Harmony, he was a star English student
from the University of Maryland, Baltimore. He wowed the Dadiofootball
staff with his amazing grammatical feats (feets? help! where's a
good copy-editor... or is it copyeditor?).
Unfortunately, after eighteen months on the Dadio's "starter salary"
of 200 rupees per day (about $0.28 per hour), Mr. Harmony's life was
falling apart. As Dadio staff have reported, interns are usually
convinced to sign his airtight, slave-wage contract after Dadio
himself enters the room and offers "Too houndred a dey, iz good?"
In this particular case, iz not good at all. Mr. Harmony tried
supplementing his income from Dadiofootball.com by working night
shifts editing content for Hostess Foods. But, when Hostess
discovered Mr. Harmony's association with Dadiofootball.com, they
promptly asked him to resign, as per a settlement between Hostess
Foods and McDuck that occurred after Dadio's protest of the
discontinuation of the Twinkie in November of 2012 (on a side note, this did indeed
result in the return of the Twinkie during that following year).
Faced with no other options, Mr. Harmony turned to a life of crime and
has robbed seven banks in Denver, Colorado, during the past few
months. For more information, read HERE.
When Dadio McDuck first hired Michael Harmony, he was a star English student
from the University of Maryland, Baltimore. He wowed the Dadiofootball
staff with his amazing grammatical feats (feets? help! where's a
good copy-editor... or is it copyeditor?).
Unfortunately, after eighteen months on the Dadio's "starter salary"
of 200 rupees per day (about $0.28 per hour), Mr. Harmony's life was
falling apart. As Dadio staff have reported, interns are usually
convinced to sign his airtight, slave-wage contract after Dadio
himself enters the room and offers "Too houndred a dey, iz good?"
In this particular case, iz not good at all. Mr. Harmony tried
supplementing his income from Dadiofootball.com by working night
shifts editing content for Hostess Foods. But, when Hostess
discovered Mr. Harmony's association with Dadiofootball.com, they
promptly asked him to resign, as per a settlement between Hostess
Foods and McDuck that occurred after Dadio's protest of the
discontinuation of the Twinkie in November of 2012 (on a side note, this did indeed
result in the return of the Twinkie during that following year).
Faced with no other options, Mr. Harmony turned to a life of crime and
has robbed seven banks in Denver, Colorado, during the past few
months. For more information, read HERE.
Sad or Happy?
Should the Bengals Keep Dalton: Hodgie Speaks, er--Raps.
Hodgie: Hi boys and girls. If you are under 40 years old, you probably know me from the hit sports show "Sorry if I Spit When I Speak." Weekly, Dadio and I discuss the Cincinnati Bengals from an informed and unbiased perspective. Please see below for more. If you are over 40, you must know me from my days touring with Air Supply, or, perhaps, from the very last episode of the "Ed Sullivan Show," during which--famously--I broke down in tears while singing "My Funny Valentine." Either way, enjoy!
Dadio’s “Gluten, Free” Scheme Sends Shock Waves through East Coast
by Beckbot
When the rather large family of Tony Parker—fourth-generation New Yorkers—heard that there was gluten-free pizza in the South Bronx, they fought two hours of traffic and even took a day of sick leave to try a slice. “I love pizza,” Parker said, "but I gots celiac disease.” Celiac disease means that Parker cannot digest gluten, so he cannot eat many of the foods that others take for granted, such as bread, muffins, cookies, cereal, pasta, and, of course, pizza crust. Needless to say, Parker’s family was in for a surprise when they had to rush Tony to the emergency room: The pizza at Dadio’s Italian Dying Kafeh, advertised as gluten free, indeed had gluten in it.
The Parkers had forgotten to read the fine print. It turns out that Dadio’s pizza crust is a normal pizza crust, but, according to owner Dadio McDuck’s legal consultant Carl Shank, “The gluten is for free—it’s included.” At a press conference last Friday, following a two-million-dollar class action lawsuit, Shank explained, “Each slice of cheese pizza costs $11.50, but Dadio, in his infinite generosity, includes the gluten for free, gratis, so to speak.” (For the sake of full disclosure, it should be noted that McDuck is also the “Head Cheese” of this news website. “Head Cheese” is his official title, and it really does have something to do with cheese.)
When complaints began to mount, the menu was changed from reporting that the pizza was “gluten free” to “gluten, free.” “That comma makes things crystal clear,” attorney Carl Shank explained, “and Dadio is a national treasure.” Crystal clear to Shank perhaps, but not to everyone.
“There’s a problem,” said Robert Pyzinsky, whose gluten allergy caused him to be hospitalized for one week after eating at Dadio’s. “The grammar and spelling and such on the menu is so bad, that you think the comma is an accident,” Pyzinsky said. Examples include, according to Pyzinsky, “cow-zones” for “calzones,” “handboogers” for “hamburgers,” and “Astrologies we’re close” for “Apologies, we’re closed.”
“It’s like they used Siri in a place with bad internet connection to dictate the menu,” Pyzinsky said.
Amazingly, throughout this entire ordeal, Dadio McDuck himself has been nowhere in sight. Not a court appearance. Not a sound bite. Not even a monthly appearance at his “swallow the grease” competition, in which he trumps his own customers, making sure that the $15 prize goes to himself. “If you ask me,” Parker said, “He’s hiding. Everyone in this town is ticked off at him.” Shank, however, had a different interpretation, “The man is simply heartbroken at the lack of loyalty—being a pizza patron used to mean something. You just didn’t used to go sue the man who made you a slice out of his own tears and blood.”
When the rather large family of Tony Parker—fourth-generation New Yorkers—heard that there was gluten-free pizza in the South Bronx, they fought two hours of traffic and even took a day of sick leave to try a slice. “I love pizza,” Parker said, "but I gots celiac disease.” Celiac disease means that Parker cannot digest gluten, so he cannot eat many of the foods that others take for granted, such as bread, muffins, cookies, cereal, pasta, and, of course, pizza crust. Needless to say, Parker’s family was in for a surprise when they had to rush Tony to the emergency room: The pizza at Dadio’s Italian Dying Kafeh, advertised as gluten free, indeed had gluten in it.
The Parkers had forgotten to read the fine print. It turns out that Dadio’s pizza crust is a normal pizza crust, but, according to owner Dadio McDuck’s legal consultant Carl Shank, “The gluten is for free—it’s included.” At a press conference last Friday, following a two-million-dollar class action lawsuit, Shank explained, “Each slice of cheese pizza costs $11.50, but Dadio, in his infinite generosity, includes the gluten for free, gratis, so to speak.” (For the sake of full disclosure, it should be noted that McDuck is also the “Head Cheese” of this news website. “Head Cheese” is his official title, and it really does have something to do with cheese.)
When complaints began to mount, the menu was changed from reporting that the pizza was “gluten free” to “gluten, free.” “That comma makes things crystal clear,” attorney Carl Shank explained, “and Dadio is a national treasure.” Crystal clear to Shank perhaps, but not to everyone.
“There’s a problem,” said Robert Pyzinsky, whose gluten allergy caused him to be hospitalized for one week after eating at Dadio’s. “The grammar and spelling and such on the menu is so bad, that you think the comma is an accident,” Pyzinsky said. Examples include, according to Pyzinsky, “cow-zones” for “calzones,” “handboogers” for “hamburgers,” and “Astrologies we’re close” for “Apologies, we’re closed.”
“It’s like they used Siri in a place with bad internet connection to dictate the menu,” Pyzinsky said.
Amazingly, throughout this entire ordeal, Dadio McDuck himself has been nowhere in sight. Not a court appearance. Not a sound bite. Not even a monthly appearance at his “swallow the grease” competition, in which he trumps his own customers, making sure that the $15 prize goes to himself. “If you ask me,” Parker said, “He’s hiding. Everyone in this town is ticked off at him.” Shank, however, had a different interpretation, “The man is simply heartbroken at the lack of loyalty—being a pizza patron used to mean something. You just didn’t used to go sue the man who made you a slice out of his own tears and blood.”
It’s like they used Siri in a place with bad internet connection to dictate the menu"
Reflections on "Hard Knocks" Season 8
By Dadio Wellington McDuck
Episode #3
August 21, 2013
I leik dis Mike Brown gei... he mayk it seem liek he care about de employees. I knead to vork on dat. Ahnd Michael Johnson vuz king of duck valk... half tui respect him. Eim so gladd dat Giovani getting lave fram de fanz for hiz cheapness. I vant tui be ein de mini-van drivers united tui!!
Episode #2
August 14, 2013
Bravo, Tyler Eifert, Bravo! He so cheap, he life vit Andrew Vhitvorth, his tree childrens and de vife. Vow. Eim nat even shure I am dat cheap.
Episode #1
August 7, 2013
It all start in arrestewrant. I like dat. Classy. But so many qveshions. Veir dei eatte? Applebee? Vught dei order otter dan cheese e-steeks?
Den dei make de fun of runny guy Giovanni Bernard for drive mother-in-law minivan?! Like, "he so cheap!" Bat I love it! I see big tings in his fewture.
A/J Green hurt nee leetle after he featured on our vebsight. Bat please don't give me dat Dadio Curse nunsense. Same vit Andrew Hawkins who so fast he forgot to take his ankel vit him vughn thyme.
I likke dis Hue Jackson guy (runny-back coach). He go ins-eyed people heads, drive dem crrrazy. I maid him de espeaky person for my new brrrrahnd ove North Korean cigars.
And dis James Harrison guy, he so mean! I am in negoshia-shin vit hiz ajent for pozishin kicking out bums at my new Santa Monica shoppy centaur.
Fineally, Larry Black, an underdrafted free agent defensy tackler, he twist ankle and cry to mom about it. At firrst I no understahnd. Den I reed how mach maneys deiz football playing guys make!!! Vooooowwww!!! I vughd cry tough!
Episode #3
August 21, 2013
I leik dis Mike Brown gei... he mayk it seem liek he care about de employees. I knead to vork on dat. Ahnd Michael Johnson vuz king of duck valk... half tui respect him. Eim so gladd dat Giovani getting lave fram de fanz for hiz cheapness. I vant tui be ein de mini-van drivers united tui!!
Episode #2
August 14, 2013
Bravo, Tyler Eifert, Bravo! He so cheap, he life vit Andrew Vhitvorth, his tree childrens and de vife. Vow. Eim nat even shure I am dat cheap.
Episode #1
August 7, 2013
It all start in arrestewrant. I like dat. Classy. But so many qveshions. Veir dei eatte? Applebee? Vught dei order otter dan cheese e-steeks?
Den dei make de fun of runny guy Giovanni Bernard for drive mother-in-law minivan?! Like, "he so cheap!" Bat I love it! I see big tings in his fewture.
A/J Green hurt nee leetle after he featured on our vebsight. Bat please don't give me dat Dadio Curse nunsense. Same vit Andrew Hawkins who so fast he forgot to take his ankel vit him vughn thyme.
I likke dis Hue Jackson guy (runny-back coach). He go ins-eyed people heads, drive dem crrrazy. I maid him de espeaky person for my new brrrrahnd ove North Korean cigars.
And dis James Harrison guy, he so mean! I am in negoshia-shin vit hiz ajent for pozishin kicking out bums at my new Santa Monica shoppy centaur.
Fineally, Larry Black, an underdrafted free agent defensy tackler, he twist ankle and cry to mom about it. At firrst I no understahnd. Den I reed how mach maneys deiz football playing guys make!!! Vooooowwww!!! I vughd cry tough!
News for the week of August 5-11, 2013
By Beckbot
So it turns out that Dadio’s daughter—the 400-pound wonder known as “Roncherella”—once again took her pony into a McDonald’s near her England boarding school. To the shock of workers and patrons alike, she recreated a scene from Dadio’s “Medieval Magic” tour and had the horse crap right there in front of everyone. READ HERE!
Also, Dadio’s plan to have the world remember the 70s differently (namely, with him, instead of Burt Reynolds as the Sexiest Man Alive) just might be working. He and a team of what he calls “scientologists” have successfully implanted false memories into mice. READ HERE!
Two happy pieces of news from the VP of “Dadio Football,” Hodgie E. Smodgie. Hodgie has long claimed that his four dolphins, Hewey, Dewey, Louie, and Shanmugaratnam, only respond when called by name. It turns out that he is absolutely right. READ HERE!
Hodgie’s famous Korean-speaking elephant was once accused of causing the Dadio-Hodgie breakup. The elephant, Koshik, disagreed frequently (through a translator) with Dadio about writing credit and other matters related to “baendeu” (meaning “the band” in Korean). Dadio once described Koshik as a “cold” elephant, but has since recanted his statements, even admitting recently that “I doesn’t know where I am… how de hell I know what cauz breakup… what iz breakup?” Koshik’s efforts to raise awareness about world peace have been in the news recently. READ HERE!
Hodgie's long-lost son, Sunshine, makes rare appearance at Bengals game. READ HERE!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Reflections on the Greatest Day of the Year
By Carl Shank
My deepest, most heartfelt wishes for the happiest birthday on Earth go out to the great AJ Green today. On this day 25 years ago, Dora Green's womb bequeathed us the most athletic, catchalicious, superhuman specimen the world has seen. My sincerest thanks to you, Dora, and my best wishes to you, Adriel Jeremiah.
Two years in the league, two straight Pro Bowls, two straight playoff appearances. In 2011, AJ came to Cincinnati and brought with him not only his talent, but his demeanor, his professionalism, and his winning attitude. The Bengals may not have won the Super Bowl (yet), but in my eyes AJ Green is already a champion.
Today, we celebrate a champion.
Birthdays are great. What other day of the year allows, nay, encourages us to reflect on the past, our life's accomplishments, and our desires moving forward? That's actually kind of why I'm here, AJ. I'd like to present you with the opportunity of a lifetime: Amway Nutrilite Protein Powder. You work in a physical profession, so isn't it of the greatest importance that you (continue to) be in the greatest physical shape? Amway Nutrilite Protein Powder gives you the promise of nature, with the power of protein.
Nutrilite All Plant Protein Powder looks to the farm for the benefits of protein. We gathered more good things from nature to bring you a unique tri-blend of soy, wheat, and pea protein. Together, they provide the right combination of proteins and amino acids to keep you feeling healthy and energetic, without animal products or dairy side effects. This field-fresh formula is all plant, vegetarian friendly, lactose and dairy free, cholesterol free, and low in fat. Only $38.35. So how about it, AJ? Treat yourself. And happy birthday, my man.
Reflections on the Greatest Day of the Year
By Carl Shank
My deepest, most heartfelt wishes for the happiest birthday on Earth go out to the great AJ Green today. On this day 25 years ago, Dora Green's womb bequeathed us the most athletic, catchalicious, superhuman specimen the world has seen. My sincerest thanks to you, Dora, and my best wishes to you, Adriel Jeremiah.
Two years in the league, two straight Pro Bowls, two straight playoff appearances. In 2011, AJ came to Cincinnati and brought with him not only his talent, but his demeanor, his professionalism, and his winning attitude. The Bengals may not have won the Super Bowl (yet), but in my eyes AJ Green is already a champion.
Today, we celebrate a champion.
Birthdays are great. What other day of the year allows, nay, encourages us to reflect on the past, our life's accomplishments, and our desires moving forward? That's actually kind of why I'm here, AJ. I'd like to present you with the opportunity of a lifetime: Amway Nutrilite Protein Powder. You work in a physical profession, so isn't it of the greatest importance that you (continue to) be in the greatest physical shape? Amway Nutrilite Protein Powder gives you the promise of nature, with the power of protein.
Nutrilite All Plant Protein Powder looks to the farm for the benefits of protein. We gathered more good things from nature to bring you a unique tri-blend of soy, wheat, and pea protein. Together, they provide the right combination of proteins and amino acids to keep you feeling healthy and energetic, without animal products or dairy side effects. This field-fresh formula is all plant, vegetarian friendly, lactose and dairy free, cholesterol free, and low in fat. Only $38.35. So how about it, AJ? Treat yourself. And happy birthday, my man.
Why the NFL is Bad
July 24, 2013
Reflections on Aaron Hernandez
By Hodgie E. Smodgie
Surely we all remember that quarterback who killed and raped dogs. He played for the Eagles, or perhaps the Falcons, or some other predatory bird, and he even went to jail. Well, guess what? He’s ba-a-ck.
That’s right it seems that no matter what sort of horrible crimes NFL players commit, it all turns out honkey-donkey for them in the end. Here we have a quarterback trying ethnically to cleanse (to ethnically cleanse would be a split infinitive) all dogs, and they invite him into the Super Bowl. Wow.
Now there’s this new guy, Aaron Hernandez. I knew things were going sour when he married Madonna. Both Dadio and I have gone down that road once. Being married to Madonna is sort of like doing drugs (which I’ve never had to do, but have come to “understand” having been under the influence of Dadio’s stinky socks in the recording studio)-- it makes you do crazy things.
According to Wikipedia.com, Hernandez signed a $12.5 million bonus… the most ever given to a tight end. Then he went out for some drinks and possibly killed two people. Wow.
Now they are banning all kinds of tattoos. They are even going to have police officers translate tattoos, just to make sure that all is well in NFL-ville. Thanks officers. Just make sure our fat millionaires are okay (read with sarcasm).
In sum: While I spend my life trying to avoid carbon, walk instead of drive, eat fruit instead of food, wear grass instead of clothes, blend mango pudding by hand instead of using nuclear-waste driven Satanic electricity, NFL players just do whatever they want. Well, whatever sport it is you guys play, I must say, it isn’t very sportsmanlike.
Reflections on Aaron Hernandez
By Hodgie E. Smodgie
Surely we all remember that quarterback who killed and raped dogs. He played for the Eagles, or perhaps the Falcons, or some other predatory bird, and he even went to jail. Well, guess what? He’s ba-a-ck.
That’s right it seems that no matter what sort of horrible crimes NFL players commit, it all turns out honkey-donkey for them in the end. Here we have a quarterback trying ethnically to cleanse (to ethnically cleanse would be a split infinitive) all dogs, and they invite him into the Super Bowl. Wow.
Now there’s this new guy, Aaron Hernandez. I knew things were going sour when he married Madonna. Both Dadio and I have gone down that road once. Being married to Madonna is sort of like doing drugs (which I’ve never had to do, but have come to “understand” having been under the influence of Dadio’s stinky socks in the recording studio)-- it makes you do crazy things.
According to Wikipedia.com, Hernandez signed a $12.5 million bonus… the most ever given to a tight end. Then he went out for some drinks and possibly killed two people. Wow.
Now they are banning all kinds of tattoos. They are even going to have police officers translate tattoos, just to make sure that all is well in NFL-ville. Thanks officers. Just make sure our fat millionaires are okay (read with sarcasm).
In sum: While I spend my life trying to avoid carbon, walk instead of drive, eat fruit instead of food, wear grass instead of clothes, blend mango pudding by hand instead of using nuclear-waste driven Satanic electricity, NFL players just do whatever they want. Well, whatever sport it is you guys play, I must say, it isn’t very sportsmanlike.
Dadio's Summer Camp A "Filthy" Success
July 20, 2013
By Beckbot
In an effort to discover the next "Andy Dolphin" or "Caramel Nougat", Dadio McDuck has opened his own youth football camp. But, unlike camps run by NFL stars, such as that of the Bengals' very own A.J. Green in Summerville, South Carolina, McDuck's has no official application process. "Rather," he remarked, "I seek deserrrving participles meself."
The process works as follows: when a father, mother or both become indebted to McDuck (for, say, eating unmarked pretzels in the employee lounge of his dental care center/saltwater taffy factory), Dadio will offer the children of the indebted the opportunity to "demonstrate deir parrticular talent in de (football) field." There, according to McDuck, they can "harvest" their skills performing such "drills" as building chicken coops, unearthing recreational cacti trees and bagging manure.
I sat down with the living legend in his castle on the 40,000 acre estate in Skidoo, California that houses his camp. I first asked him about his unconventional teaching style. He immediately referred me to the Miyagian model for success. "You see," McDuck said while crossing his legs and taking a mouthful of Big League Chew, "For in-tense, packing de manures iz like, show how pick up ball after a grumble." McDuck then attempted to bend down in order to demonstrate, splitting both his pants and his girdle in the process. "Vaught-evehr... iz hard... for de kiddies, you know?"
I decided to take part in McDuck's camp myself. And it should be noted that, as a 44 year old man, I could not handle the heat and laborious tasks for more than three minutes in a row. "Look, Buckboob," he said, "Football not for you, silly fatso... iz for kids!" Still, I couldn't help but feel that some of the children with parched looks on their faces, cupping their hands and whispering to me in languages I could not fully understand were not truly asking me to, as Dadio said, "pass dem de ball."
And what about the children's "golden ticket," or, their keys into the camp (i.e., the debt of their parents)? I asked McDuck if any of the parents had returned safely to their homes to which he replied, "No comet."
By Beckbot
In an effort to discover the next "Andy Dolphin" or "Caramel Nougat", Dadio McDuck has opened his own youth football camp. But, unlike camps run by NFL stars, such as that of the Bengals' very own A.J. Green in Summerville, South Carolina, McDuck's has no official application process. "Rather," he remarked, "I seek deserrrving participles meself."
The process works as follows: when a father, mother or both become indebted to McDuck (for, say, eating unmarked pretzels in the employee lounge of his dental care center/saltwater taffy factory), Dadio will offer the children of the indebted the opportunity to "demonstrate deir parrticular talent in de (football) field." There, according to McDuck, they can "harvest" their skills performing such "drills" as building chicken coops, unearthing recreational cacti trees and bagging manure.
I sat down with the living legend in his castle on the 40,000 acre estate in Skidoo, California that houses his camp. I first asked him about his unconventional teaching style. He immediately referred me to the Miyagian model for success. "You see," McDuck said while crossing his legs and taking a mouthful of Big League Chew, "For in-tense, packing de manures iz like, show how pick up ball after a grumble." McDuck then attempted to bend down in order to demonstrate, splitting both his pants and his girdle in the process. "Vaught-evehr... iz hard... for de kiddies, you know?"
I decided to take part in McDuck's camp myself. And it should be noted that, as a 44 year old man, I could not handle the heat and laborious tasks for more than three minutes in a row. "Look, Buckboob," he said, "Football not for you, silly fatso... iz for kids!" Still, I couldn't help but feel that some of the children with parched looks on their faces, cupping their hands and whispering to me in languages I could not fully understand were not truly asking me to, as Dadio said, "pass dem de ball."
And what about the children's "golden ticket," or, their keys into the camp (i.e., the debt of their parents)? I asked McDuck if any of the parents had returned safely to their homes to which he replied, "No comet."
Is Andy Dalton okay?
Andy Dalton's father was relieved that all is well in Bengalsville.
By Hodgie E. Smodgie
We all saw it and grimaced. Bam! Ouch! Was that Andy Dalton's arm?! Yes. And the big question on the mind-noggins of all Bengals fans is whether or not our Red Rifle will be fully loaded come Sunday. According to Bengals coach and funnyman Martin Lewis, all is fine. "He just hit his funny bone," Lewis sort of said (I paraphrase). Just like you used to do on Monty Python, you humorist you. And, boy, are we all relieved!
We all saw it and grimaced. Bam! Ouch! Was that Andy Dalton's arm?! Yes. And the big question on the mind-noggins of all Bengals fans is whether or not our Red Rifle will be fully loaded come Sunday. According to Bengals coach and funnyman Martin Lewis, all is fine. "He just hit his funny bone," Lewis sort of said (I paraphrase). Just like you used to do on Monty Python, you humorist you. And, boy, are we all relieved!
Veir Grrrrrrooomin' Up!
By Dadio Wellington McDuck
Iz important to look good. Dat vhy I allvez tuck my underveir into my socks. But a vebsight, dat hole ohder vurld! How make look good? Vell, I could simply arrange de vurds into shape of Tom Selleck's face... but dat bin done. So, I decidead vee must do a Dadio sveemsoot calendar. But vught poses should Dadio strike? And should he go vit de sveemsoot or body-pant? Please, you de fans, send your iDeas by vay of electronically-charged scribbles to de Great Sir Dadio Wellington McDuck, at, [email protected].
Iz important to look good. Dat vhy I allvez tuck my underveir into my socks. But a vebsight, dat hole ohder vurld! How make look good? Vell, I could simply arrange de vurds into shape of Tom Selleck's face... but dat bin done. So, I decidead vee must do a Dadio sveemsoot calendar. But vught poses should Dadio strike? And should he go vit de sveemsoot or body-pant? Please, you de fans, send your iDeas by vay of electronically-charged scribbles to de Great Sir Dadio Wellington McDuck, at, [email protected].
The Greatest Story of All Time... Is Now Available on the Internet
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