ANIMAL NEWS, by Dr. Smodgie™
"What we must do is start viewing every cow, pig, chicken, monkey, rabbit, mouse, and pigeon as our family members."
--Gary Yourofsky, Humane Education Director, PETA, The Toledo Blade, June 24, 2001
Man tries to smuggle turtle dressed as hamburger
Bird thought to have gone extinct 73 years ago re-emerges in Myanmar
"Just when I thought I was out, they keep pulling me back in!" exclaimed the recently-discovered adult Jerdon's babbler. "But seriously," he continued, "boy, does it feel good to be back."
The passerine bird was deemed extinct long ago. In 1941, to be precise. But on May 30, 2014, scientists in the grasslands of Myanmar were astonished to hear his distinct call.
"It sounded like an old man clearing his throat followed by a brief 'is this thing on?'," reports Dr. Stacey Ferguson. The babbler reportedly then proceeded to tell outdated jokes. In fact, Wally, as he calls himself, says he can thank his "big mouth" for becoming endangered in the first place.
"I tell ya', if you don't talk about FaceTube, and whatnot and what-have-you, kids just won't give you no respect!" Wally complained.
When asked what further steps were required to help the species shed the "endangered" label, the team of scientists declined comment. One, who refused to be named, simply said, "Sometimes, it's just better to let nature run its course."
The passerine bird was deemed extinct long ago. In 1941, to be precise. But on May 30, 2014, scientists in the grasslands of Myanmar were astonished to hear his distinct call.
"It sounded like an old man clearing his throat followed by a brief 'is this thing on?'," reports Dr. Stacey Ferguson. The babbler reportedly then proceeded to tell outdated jokes. In fact, Wally, as he calls himself, says he can thank his "big mouth" for becoming endangered in the first place.
"I tell ya', if you don't talk about FaceTube, and whatnot and what-have-you, kids just won't give you no respect!" Wally complained.
When asked what further steps were required to help the species shed the "endangered" label, the team of scientists declined comment. One, who refused to be named, simply said, "Sometimes, it's just better to let nature run its course."
Amid Anti-Animal Genocides, Sea Lion Saves Drowning, Distraught Man
What would you do if someone were trying to kill you and your family? The human attitude tends to be, "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die." But it's not like that with animals. When an animal attacks a human, it's labeled "terrorism." But when a human attacks an animal, it's labeled "lunchtime." Gruffy was an old soul, a leftover hippie sea lion, and a native of San Francisco. When Kevin Hines--a human--decided to jump off the Bay Bridge and take his own life, Gruffy didn't think about it in racial terms. He let bygones be bygones, swam in circles around Mr. Hines, and saved that man's life. That's right. You humans reading this should be ashamed of yourselves.
|
Groundhog KILLED by NY Mayor? Humans Involved in Cover-up
It took a while for this story to break, but this might be the single most important political scandal of the century. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped an unsuspecting groundhog in the animalist ritual of annoying sleeping rodent-like beings, in order to pretend to believe in their very real psychic abilities. It turns out that the klutz dropped "Charlotte," a native of the Staten Island Jail/Zoo, and then--in typical holksy-folksy fashion--laughed about this possible act of animalslaughter in the first degree. Charlotte, who had been subbing for the normal animal sacrifice, Chuck, died one week after the horrible events of that day. But there's more. Assemblyman Matthew Titone (D-SI) and others, including "experts," have been saying that the fall had nothing to do with Charlotte's death. Yeah right... cover-up as usual (Watergate, anyone?). It turns out that Chuck and the mayor's office had had a lingering grudge, and that the mayor had wanted Charlotte to substitute for Chuck, because Chuck bit former Mayor Michael Bloomberg in 2009.
Stubbs, Beloved Feline Mayor of Alaskan Town, Tragically Attacked by Dog
Stubbs rose from the ranks as a mere kitten discovered at a parking lot of a general store in Talkeetna, Alaska. He had no tail, and was named "Stubbs." He gracefully accepted duties as mayor after the citizens of this fine town were fed up with corrupt human mayors. For 16 years he has run Talkeetna ably, to the great pleasure of its residents, attracting fans and tourists, who like to see him drink water out of a wine glass. “He’s the mayor," one resident said. "It’s not a joke. I know it’s ridiculous but the town is run really well.” On August 31, 2013, a dog made an assassination attempt on Stubbs, mauling him. Stubbs suffered a punctured lung and fractured sternum. He has undergone hospitalization. We will keep you updated on his health. Read more HERE.
Fish Killer Praised by Media, Catches Huge Fish, Compensates for Other Things
Oooooh. Look at the big fish. Wow. You're such a man. So, instead of prosecuting you for killing it, we'll just make you famous. I wonder what sort of psychological issues led you to want to kill an innocent creature of the sea?
Sigh.
Sigh.
Hodgie Proven Right Once Again: Dolphins recognize old friends
I had said, back in 1987, that my two dolphin friends, Reuben and Dorothy, could recognize me after I hadn't seen them for twenty years. At that point, Gallagher, who was opening for us onstage, started to make fun of me. Everyone laughed, and we were forced to cancel the show for "psycho-somatic causes." Poor Gallagher. He recently had a heart attack before performing his breathtaking act of breaking watermelons with huge hammers--which always makes Dadio smile. I visited him in hospital. He didn't recognize me. I said, "I'm Dr. Hodgie. The Electric Smodgie... remember?" Nothing. I guess it turns out that dolphins are better friends than Gallagher.
Newspapers Make Jokes about a Sea Tragedy: the "Turducken" of the Sea:
What would happened if you were feeding your son a piece of tofu-jerkey and then another, larger child came and swallowed your son, and then a full-grown man swallowed the two of them together? How would you feel if people offhandedly called your son the "turducken" of that shopping mall? (Turducken refers to a barbaric practice in which meat-eaters kill a turkey and a duck AND a chicken, then stuff them in one another, salivate, and eat like beasts.)
Well, that's exactly what happened recently off the coast of Delaware. People calling themselves "scientists" cast an innocent, unsuspecting fish called a "menhaden" in the water hoping to reel in a shark. But that shark, a dogfish shark, was suddenly swallowed by a bigger sand tiger shark. Instead of putting on somber music and remembering these sea creatures' finer qualities, they published it as a lighthearted article and chuckled their self-assured rear-ends off. Let's see how you feel when a larger animal swallows you, and then an even larger animal swallows that animal, which will 100%, definitely happen according to the laws of karma.
Well, that's exactly what happened recently off the coast of Delaware. People calling themselves "scientists" cast an innocent, unsuspecting fish called a "menhaden" in the water hoping to reel in a shark. But that shark, a dogfish shark, was suddenly swallowed by a bigger sand tiger shark. Instead of putting on somber music and remembering these sea creatures' finer qualities, they published it as a lighthearted article and chuckled their self-assured rear-ends off. Let's see how you feel when a larger animal swallows you, and then an even larger animal swallows that animal, which will 100%, definitely happen according to the laws of karma.
German Shepherd Can Read, Working on his MA in French Literature
The fact that dogs can read has been known to us since 2009, when a spitz terrier named Willow appeared on "The Today Show." No biggie. I'm sure there are still some racist human beings out there who imagine that only their own species can read, but most of us have wised up to the fact that the world's readership is quickly growing (hence this "Animal News" page, which is read by about five hundred different animals daily in four continents).
But this is really big news.
Fuzzie the Dog officially began classes in French literature at Wayne State University in Detroit about nine months ago. His upcoming thesis offers a Marxist reading of the 17th century poet, Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux, and his advisor--Dr. Douglas Bernard--has commented that Fuzzie's findings are "astonishing" and "incredibly nuanced... Fuzzie is such a sensitive reader, that he somehow manages to show us layers of the text we weren't able to see before." Fuzzie himself was not available for comment.
But this is really big news.
Fuzzie the Dog officially began classes in French literature at Wayne State University in Detroit about nine months ago. His upcoming thesis offers a Marxist reading of the 17th century poet, Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux, and his advisor--Dr. Douglas Bernard--has commented that Fuzzie's findings are "astonishing" and "incredibly nuanced... Fuzzie is such a sensitive reader, that he somehow manages to show us layers of the text we weren't able to see before." Fuzzie himself was not available for comment.
Cat Drives Owner to the Hospital, Saves Life
It happened right outside of Sahuraita, Arizona. Trevor Finley suffered a massive stroke and couldn't even reach for the phone. Little did he know that his cat, Mr. Meow-Meow, wasn't going to let things "go down like that." Mr. Meow-Meow not only dragged Finley to the car, but amazingly was able to use his paws to put the car into reverse, turn the steering wheel, and direct the car to a nearby hospital. Since the drive was entirely downhill, the 32 year-old Tabby cat (four in cat years) was able to avoid worrying about the gas pedal. I think this is a good time to reflect upon the very racist design of our appliances and automobiles. While I am against the use of fossil fuels for any purpose whatsoever, surely we can reconsider our "thumb-centric" and "human-centric" way of life--especially for emergencies such as this.
Yaroslav the "Red" Squirrel Dies, Single-handedly Took Down Nasdaq
Not long after his 338th birthday (26 in human years), Yaroslav the "Red" Squirrel died yesterday, surrounded by family and friends. Yaroslav was most famous for bringing the Nasdaq stock exchange down for 82 minutes back on December 9, 1987. The Nasdaq (the National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotations) is the second-largest stock market in the world, and, by merely chewing on the right cables, Yaroslav was able to prevent 20 million shares from being traded. In his own words, "De capitalist fools had to holding deir breafs for long time."
Yaroslav's health was waning these past few years, but, according to his wife, Valentina, he would still wake up every morning to watch a scene in Rocky IV in which Ivan Drago knocks out a star-spangled Apollo Creed. "Even after all these years," Valentina noted, "He would just laugh and laugh at that."
Yaroslav's health was waning these past few years, but, according to his wife, Valentina, he would still wake up every morning to watch a scene in Rocky IV in which Ivan Drago knocks out a star-spangled Apollo Creed. "Even after all these years," Valentina noted, "He would just laugh and laugh at that."